Conducting two-to-four mediations or negotiations a month and consulting with clients, I continually assess client conflict resolution skills and participant degrees of emotional intelligence, communication intelligence, and listening intelligence.
Emotional Quotient (EQ) is an informal measure or estimate of Emotional Intelligence. While not trained as a psychologist, in my career I have studied EQ and remain a continual learner. And so, when I saw an article about EQ recently in relation to conflict resolution, I began to think of ways these tie together.
This article helped me, and I wanted to share some of my thoughts and insights to help you in conflicts, with insights specifically directed toward project managers and process managers.
Project Managers and Emotional Quotient
Emotional Quotient is defined in Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary as “the ability to recognize, understand, and deal skillfully with one’s own emotions and the emotions of others by regulating one’s emotions or by showing empathy and good judgment in social interactions.”
Project managers have to wear two hats. As a manager, they address processes and projects and manage systems to reach outcomes. The other hat is leadership. This is the act of influencing others to accomplish the mission willfully. Ideally, the mission is achieved with everyone on the same page, focused on the mission, and in harmony with the team in a productive environment. However, as with any human endeavor, conflict in the work environment is invariably expected.
Positive conflict is characterized by offering varying ideas and collectively collaborating to enhance the overall effort.
Negative conflict tends to detract from the overall goal where resource constraints, time limitations, quality standards, interpersonal differences, and various stakeholders impact the outcome with a negative result.
Managers must continually be vigilant to address potentially damaging conflict. This vigilance will result in a more cohesive team that can deliver superior results.
Managers are human, too
The article cited above found that 33% of managers reported struggles with self-regulation, especially when under pressure, and 34% had difficulties managing relationships within their team. That is what managers self-report about themselves.
But how accurate might these statistics be if compared to what employees think about their managers? In one survey, 91% of employees believe their manager is NOT a good communicator. In another survey, “More than 70% of managers said they have great relationships and open communication with workers, yet only 58% of employees would agree.” According to these and other surveys, managers think they do better than their employees do. With this in mind, more managers may have issues with self-regulation and managing relationships within their teams than they may care to admit.
Implications regarding communication and conflicts
Clear, constructive, timely communication on what is and is not working is essential. Professionally communicating these concerns with an attitude to helping the team is critical to enhancing relationships, promoting trust, improving business metrics, and enhancing employee satisfaction. However, senior management placing the highest emphasis on business results often may undermine first-level managers' desire to emphasize interpersonal relationships and enhance EQ. Frequently, top-level management sees EQ as simply being empathetic and expecting project managers to deliver results. In today's increasingly diverse teams, being able to self-regulate and navigate conflicts between team members also needs to be emphasized to avoid negative results.
What are project managers and others to do?
The areas to focus in EQ include self-awareness, self-regulation, and social skills. It is essential first to recognize and name your emotions to address them. When something happens, how does the event make you feel? Do you feel anger, frustration, anxiety, disappointment, or other emotions? Where do you feel these emotions in your body? Does your stomach ache, or head ache, or do you feel stress in your neck or back? Can you feel your blood pressure increasing? Recognizing the experience is the first step. Then, we take steps to address these feelings. Take several deep breaths. Maybe walk away. Give yourself positive self-talk to remain focused, address the situation, be tough on the problem and gentle with people. Use your name and use phrases like “Your name, stay focused. Your name, take a deep breath. Your name, be here to help.” These types of phrases may help you to remain calm in trying times.
Ask for feedback
Ask others how you are doing. What could you do to improve? What do others see as your strengths and areas for improvement? I was recently told that I am quick to form an opinion when asking for feedback. This is true. Asking for feedback is also a two-edged sword. Sometimes, asking can be a plus; other times, asking can be a minus. Having this pointed out to me is helpful so that I can make an extra effort to pause before I decide to ask. This can also help me to be a better listener. How about you? Who should you ask? When should you ask? Consider why you ask a particular person and how to broach the question.
Conduct research and read the literature
Join a book club or start one focusing on leadership and leadership skills. Join a subscription plan that will allow you to periodically receive leadership articles, books, blogs, or other sources like Real Leaders Annual Subscription, Leadership Magazine, Teambuilding.com, the Harvard Business Review, The Harvard Program on Negotiation Blog, the Greater Good Science Center Newsletter or a host of others. Heed the advice of James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, and start small. Choose one thing and see how that goes. All leaders are readers, but not all readers are leaders. Enhance your skill set.
Challenge yourself for continual self-improvement
There will never be another day when change is as slow as today. Change is happening at an increasingly exponential pace. You fall behind if you stay the same while others enhance their skills. Challenge yourself to enhance your skill set and improve your emotional intelligence continually. The more you learn, the more you will be aware, and the more you will pay attention and improve your skills.
Recently, former President Jimmy Carter passed away. Reading about him and his accomplishments, we learn he didn’t ask God, “Let me succeed” but rather “Let me do the right thing.” May that simple switch from a success model to a justice model encourage you and guide you as you work with others to overcome conflict and increase your EQ.
Check out these links to my publications if you would like to learn more about collaboration,conflict resolution, or enhancing your servant manager skills.
Further reading
https://professional.dce.harvard.edu/blog/how-to-improve-your-emotional-intelligence/