Part Two of a Two-part Series about Difficult Conversations.
Get Started on the Right Foot
Normally, I like to start mediation conversations on a positive foot. Sometimes, we start on a negative foot, and then we have to step back and start over. Two examples of a wrong foot/right foot learned from many missteps and forward steps with clients in my mediation practice:
In terms of knowledge, don’t be a know-it-all and stay humble;
In terms of attention, avoid inattention and give your full attention.
Things to Avoid (Things to Pursue)
Don’t be a Know-it-all (Stay Humble)
No one likes a know-it-all. We don’t know what we don’t know. You may be a highly credentialed CPA in one of the big accounting firms, and the person you are talking with might be a single proprietor in Minot, North Dakota farm implement dealer. You may know more about a taxation issue than that person, but don’t show off how much you know if you want to learn more about their problems. Rather, show that you want to learn from the other person. Build them up and encourage them to share by saying you haven’t been in their shoes before, and you don’t know about their customers.
Avoid Inattention (Give Full Attention)
Stay focused on the other person. Make eye contact. Nod your head in agreement. Acknowledge what they are saying. Don’t look at your phone. Don’t look around. Don’t look past the person at passing people. Make this person realize you are interested in them and what they have to say. If your phone rings, apologize and turn your phone off. If they bring up extraneous matters, don’t cut them off but listen with compassion, interest, and humility.
Experiences and bias
We are all shaped by our experiences. My experiences are not your experiences. What is true for you and me is also true for others we interact with. Just as my experiences shape and color my perspective, so do the experiences of others shape and color their perspectives. Honor their perspective and their experiences.
Consider exploring your biases with the Harvard Implicit Association Test, also known as the Harvard Implicit Bias Test.
You can take one of many tests at this site: https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html
These tests will expose you to underlying biases that you have. We all have biases. Understanding your biases is the first step in learning how to overcome your biases. These biases shape the type of questions and the direction of questions you may want to ask. Be careful because your questions may bias you to send the interaction in a particular direction. For example, you may ask questions about price as your primary focus, but this may bias you to forget to ask questions about timing, quality, or other areas where you made assumptions that may not be true.
Broaden diversity to broaden your perspective
Including others different from yourself in preparing for questioning can provide additional avenues of understanding. For example, regarding Myers-Briggs, my personality is “ENTJ”. “E” is for Extrovert compared to being an “I” for Introvert. “N” is for iNtuitive versus “S” for Sensing. “T” is for Thinking versus “F” for Feeling. And “J” is for Judging versus “P” for perceiving. This gives you some insight into me, but let me clarify. I am a small “E”. Yes, I am an extrovert compared to being an introvert, but my E is so low it is almost an “I.” As an “N,” I am strongly intuitive. I can see where we are going quickly compared to others. Often, others need more time to absorb more information and use all of their senses to evaluate something. This is a two-edged sword. I can move too quickly. As a “T” for thinking, I tend to overly analyze things logically. This can be a blind spot for me compared to an “F” for feeling. I may go right over others' feelings without considering the social impacts on others as an example. Finally, I am a “J” for judging compared with a “P” for perceiving. This allows me to make decisions quickly. However, those who are more perceiving want to take the time to evaluate decisions with a greater analysis of the human impact, for example.
Why did I share this with you?
As an ENTJ, I must surround myself with those with a different personality type than mine. As a controller, my team lead was, fortunately, just the opposite with a personality type of ISFP. I had many ideas. Some were good, some not so good. She was great at ensuring we did not take on too many new ideas at one time and that we considered the ramifications of various alternatives more thoroughly. How could having a diverse perspective help out with questioning?
By having two different kinds of people on the same team, it was possible for a differently abled person to ask questions that I had not thought of. Having someone different from you on your team may help with the questioning in a situation like this.
The same is true for diversity, which comes from various differences, not just personality. The perspectives of others can help us identify our blind spots.
Changing direction – speculation
When you think you have asked appropriate questions before closing the questioning, Ask yourself, how will we get things done? Could it be done differently? Should other options be considered? Speculate what if the follow-up actions were to go in a given direction. Do a “what-if” scenario. What if it all goes as planned? What if it does not go as planned? What do you want to ask regarding contingencies or termination?
A controller may ask if we should stay with the existing approach by hand and with existing software or try to automate with a new system. Simply asking that question can impact the bottom line, people’s lives, social impacts, a client’s perceived quality of service, and other aspects of the job. If you go forward with one option, so what?
So what?
What else has not been considered? What else should we consider? What have we not asked? Consider this economically, socially, and environmentally. So, what if we implement something in the future? What else can I do to help? What are their questions? Ask others to help you with what you do not know. Focus on where we are going instead of where we have been. Change your emphasis from what you think to focusing on what others think. This may save you from going down a blind alley and making an unforeseen blunder.
In summary
Change your emphasis to listen actively, prepare questions beforehand, then listen actively, and consider what else you should be asking continually during the interaction. What other information do you need, and where or who can you talk to obtain it? Be aware of your own bias impacting your decision-making. Avoid sensitive topics that may derail the conversation unless the sensitive topic is what you are discussing. Then, move slowly, de-escalate, and work towards common interests. Be humble, and don’t be a know-it-all. Avoid complacency and work to appreciate and engage everyone. Broaden the diversity of your perspectives with those who may look at the issue from other perspectives to help save yourself from yourself when possible. Speculate “what if” scenarios to enhance what actions you may take based on what you learn. Finally, pause and explore what happens if you go forward with an idea based on what you have learned.
Check out these links if you would like to learn more about collaboration, conflict resolution, or enhancing your Servant Manager skills.