As a conflict resolution specialist and mediator, I see conflicts at work, between parties, in the private sector, and in the government.
Here are two contradictory truths both of which seem part of the human condition:
- Strife and friction come with being human, with being alive. Sibling rivalries, competition for grades, competition for jobs and pay raises, and the desire to be “successful” generate constant conflicts around us and throughout our lives.
- On the other hand, and at the same time, overcoming conflict makes us happier, better rounded, more fulfilled, and “more alive.” We seek to find peace, to find common ground, to find our place in the sun, to get back to the Garden of Eden.
The question is, how can we overcome conflict that seems endemic, embedded in the human condition? How can be apply science and art and experience to the thoughtful resolution of conflict?
A third truth may also need to be stated: Most people do not take the time or apply their energy to make the transition from the “worst case” to the “best case” or even to “a better place”.
If you as the reader want to make the transition, please join me in that effort, and read on:
Conflict management is a learned leadership skill
Knowing your triggers, staying calm under fire, remaining secure and competent in your process, and acquiring authentic confidence takes time, study, and practice.
First, I suggest that the reader pause and visualize what you and your team might look like and how it might behave if everyone on the team looked out for everyone else on the team and worked well together.
How do you as the leader see yourself, and how do others see you? Do you ever lose your temper? Are you a good role model for calm under fire? If so, congratulations. If not, what can you do to enhance your understanding and your skills? Maybe your shortcomings are part of the problem. If so, do you want to be part of the solution?
The first step in addressing shortcomings is to keep an open mind. Be available to others to truly listen. Listen actively. Listen to all sides of an issue without judging. Try to understand individual needs, feelings, and interests. Listening actively is often the most critical element in conflict management. Why are you listening? The only way to get to the bottom of a problem is to define it, summarize it, and listening at a deeper level than usual helps you figure out the details of what is really being said and believed.
The process of finding a solution
In this Forbes write-up the author defines the problem in conflict resolution and outlines a six-step process from another article to finding a solution. For instance, someone may be irritable, irrational, complex to work with, or generally not pleasant to be around. However, what is going on in their life, at home, at work, or somewhere else, with relationships, other tensions, or something else? Could the issue be a matter of not getting enough sleep? Is there too much work? Is there not enough positive attribution? Is something negative going on in their personal life? How do we know if we don’t take time to listen and ask? Listening is key. And so is being objective. Stay away from blame and instead focus on the problem. Get to the cause. Remain curious and explore why the person is acting the way they are acting. Ask questions to see if you can get to the root cause. Realize that we may not have all the answers. Get some help. Perhaps we may need to elevate the situation in management.
Model the behavior you want to see
Determine if more or less interaction on your part will help the situation. If more interaction is needed, take time to check in, be there to help, and make the effort to genuinely care. If less interaction is needed, step back and let the other party come to you when they are ready. Encourage others to look for opportunities to encourage and recognize the contributions of other team members. Give them appreciation when you see them appreciating others. This can not only help overcome conflicts, but also help prevent conflicts. We almost always learn more and develop a better relationship by listening actively and building trust.
Understand individual differences
No two people are alike. We all have our personalities, based on genetics, environment, and learned skills. Knowing that we are all different, we can respect our differences and treat each person individually. There are many tools, but for example, the Myers-Briggs tool identifies 16 personality typesIf you are unfamiliar with Myers-Briggs, you can check them out and find out your type here.
In essence, the Myers-Briggs personality inventory develops four contrasting pairs of personality characteristics which when multiplied by each other (4 x 4 = 16) make up 16 possible combinations.
Here are the 4 sets of contrasting types which showing the tensions among the contrasting pairs which in various combinations make up the 16 personality types:
- Introversion vs. Extroversion (I versus E)
- Sensing vs. iNtuition (S versus N)
- Feeling vs. Thinking (F versus T)
- Perceiving vs. Judging (P versus J)
These are the 16 possible combinations of personality types: ESTJ, ENTJ, ESFJ, ENFJ, ISTJ, ISFJ, INTJ, INFJ, ESTP, ESFP, ENTP, ENFP, ISTP, ISFP, INTP and INFP.
From my perspective as a conflict resolution specialist and lifetime servant manager, the value of the Myers-Briggs test is to gain a deep perspective on the rich variety of personalities we encounter day-to-day in order to realize that our colleagues, associates, supervisors, clients and customers may approach issues from many different perspectives.
Above all, the Myers-Briggs teaches us that we may be very different from every one of our colleagues, just as they are different from each other. And learning that we may be subtly different from everyone else may make us more humble and better able to accommodate and work with individual differences in all of our dealings.
I would like to add that knowing the variety of personality types leads us to realize that it is also an advantage to have a variety of people who are very different from us on our team.
For example, introverts may recharge alone and take everything in at a party or a presentation and later on come up with creative ideas after they get home. By comparison, an extrovert may be recharged by the sheer energy of everyone at the party and by the chance to integrate and network with so many others. There are degrees of introversion and extroversion. Some people may be way out there on the scale as extroverts or introverts. Others may be very close to the middle of the scale, balanced between the two poles, and perhaps slightly introverted or extroverted. Be careful about labeling someone by a particular personality type. Each type is an indicator, not a brand, but the typology gives us a clue about how strong our colleagues may be as introverts or extroverts, and we can take those strengths into account. What is true for extroversion and introversion is equally true for all of the other personality categories.
For example, if we consider the sensing person who likes to see, touch, feel, and use their senses to understand a situation, as opposed to the intuitive type who may understand quickly from the shape or trajectory or sound of things. Some people cannot grasp a novel things until they see it, or grab onto a physical model of the novelty. Others who are more strongly intuitive may see where everything is going with very limited information. They may be quick to connect the dots, to close the circle, and they may feel frustrated by the plodding style of those who cannot see something as quickly as they can. The sensory types may have a longer walk through a tunnel but they may have a far richer command of what they see, hear, smell, taste, and feel once they arrive.
Other people with a strong feeling component can be open to connections and emotionally susceptible to the positive or negative feelings of others around them, and this quality can make them vulnerable to judgment. Every team member must be on board, be heard and considered, and have their feelings addressed. The thinking or analytical personality type may have “run the numbers” and may have determined before a meeting that they have the very best answer and approach based on the analytics, but they may have missed the boat on the social impact of a certain answer or may have given these impacts very little weight. Having feeling and thinking members on a team is a recipe for better solutions, as they may in fact consider both economic and social implications.
In summary, conflict management is a leadership skill that requires patience, understanding, listening actively, and staying curious. Asking questions and getting below the surface to define the problem, develop alternatives, determine the impact of other options, evaluate the impacts, and following through a six-step process can help you find a solution. By modeling the behavior you want to see and working with individuals, knowing we are all different, we are well on our way toward growing more effective with our conflict resolution skills.
If you want to learn more about my publications on collaboration, conflict resolution, or enhancing your servant manager skills which focus on leading by serving and understanding the needs of team members, please click the links or reach out directly to me.