If you want to manage conflicts at work, be prepared to dig a little deeper, listen without judgment to truly understand, and find common ground to work toward a resolution you can both live with going forward. As a mediation and conflict resolution specialist, I know this concept is simple. Putting these principles into action takes patience, practice, and intention. Applying them in the workplace is the hard part. The commentary that follows offers some additional insights to help you.
Background
Two books I want to bring to your attention regarding listening are Listening Leaders by Dr. Lyman K Steil and Dr. Richard Bommelje and Effective Listening Every Day by Dr. Lyam (Manny) Steil. Listening is the key. I am reading the second text daily to help enhance my skills in this area. You are never too old to improve your skills. An article from Forbes gave me the ideas for this blog. You may want to check that out, too.
What is behind a conflict at work?
There is limited time to dig deeper into our fast-paced text and email interactions at work. When assessing attitude, Mehrabian has found that 7% of text and email communicate attitude through words, 38% through tone (as in a phone call), and 55% through body language and facial expressions (as in face-to-face meetings or a virtual session). This means there is a very good chance of misinterpreting the attitude in a text or email and for someone to immediately fire off an email emotionally without reflecting on the implications.
The hidden causes of misunderstanding another person’s attitude add up to potential conflicts in the making.
Who has not received an email or text that initially triggers a negative reaction? We all have. Unfortunately, our brain identifies a “hot” email as an attack; we often assume the worst and jump to the ramparts, ready to respond in kind with a stinging, negative response. We need to be able to pull over to the side of the road and stop right there. We need to go for a walk; take a break. We don’t need to respond immediately to a “hot” email with a negative response. We can give ourselves time to cool down.
The real question is, what is behind the perceived attack? What set this explosion off in the first place? We need to listen to understand. This is where we need to dig a little deeper. Are we actually or potentially the cause of the explosion? Is there something we did or did not do, said, or failed to say that may have initiated the concern?
We can reach out to the other party. We can consider apologizing for not realizing what we did or did not do to contribute to the situation. We can ask open-ended questions, not yes-no questions. We can ask if the other party can help us understand. Why is the other party upset? We can try to listen without judgment (this is hard). We do not need to offer advice (this, too, is hard). Instead, we can let the other party know that we want to know where they are coming from. We can ask them how they feel and why. We can summarize the key points. We can paraphrase in our own words what we think we heard and see if we have it right. If we don’t, we can let them explain further. We can empathize with them. We can see if what we believe they are feeling is what they are feeling. They may correct us if we don’t have it quite right. That is fine. The process may seem like an eternity, but studies have found that the other party is far more apt to listen to us if we can do this for ten minutes.
What does the other party want? Is there anything else they want to share? I used to use the phrase “tell me more” and then I had it pointed out to me that this request can be considered antagonistic. That is when I switched to
“Is there anything else you want to share? Where can we go from here? How can I better support you? How can we work together on this?
When we listen actively, and give the other party 100% of our attention with direct eye contact, body language and words that show we are paying attention and reflecting on what we believe they are feeling. “I see that you are really frustrated.” “I understand why you are upset.” We do not interrupt. We use facial expressions and body language that demonstrates our agreement with them and that we feel their pain.
Before we respond
We don’t overreact. We train ourself to stay calm. We take a break if we need to. We set aside our agenda to reflect on what we learned while listening. We consider the other party, their emotions, and why they are concerned the way they are. From The Collaboration Effect, we learned we are listening actively to the other party and using our emotional intelligence to listen to ourself, how we are feeling, why we feel that way, and working to de-escalate ourself. This even works when listening to difficult people.
When we listen actively to others, we gain insight into their underlying values and interests.
This may help us better understand them and where they are coming from. We may even be able to turn a conflict into an opportunity for the future.
Where can we agree?
There may not be much, but quite likely, there are, at a minimum, some points that we both can agree on. Do we both want closure? Do we each recognize some things in common? We think about work, vacations, children, pets, hobbies, values, and/or principles. We are tough on the problem. We focus on the issues. We are gentle with the people. We consider looking at the problem from different directions. What about going up or down in the organization chart, considering vendors, customers, shareholders, or other stakeholders? We stay positive. If we are attacked verbally, we don’t respond in kind. We always stay above the line. We stay focused on the problem. We agree that we must work together to overcome this problem.
If someone says talk to the hand, and I don’t want to work with you, we must sometimes move on. Sometimes you need to avoid the other party or minimize interactions. We can’t change the world, but we can change ourself. If we find this is the case, we reach out to others and seek help on what might be an appropriate course of action.
Best of luck in all these kinds of difficult conversations. I would appreciate feedback from readers on situations they have resolved and techniques that have proven helpful.
If you want to read additional sources, check out these links to expand your insights into collaboration, conflict resolution, or improving your servant manager skills.