As a mediation and negotiation conflict resolution specialist, I am continually looking for ways to improve my skill set.
In a Forbes Magazine article based on a 2024 study, psychologist Mark Trevors offers six simple questions to reduce conflict.
His research shows that conflict participants become more objective and navigate conflicts more successfully by reflecting on these six questions:
- Why did the conflict happen?
- How should the conflict have been handled?
- How are conflicts generally dealt with?
- How should people generally respond to conflicts in their relationships?
- Why does this kind of response make sense?
- What would be most helpful for in dealing with future conflicts?
Clearly, the operative phrase is “reflecting on”. When we reflect, we take time to ponder, to carefully or systematically think about something. Reflecting takes time, focus, energy, and commitment. When we reflect, we consider the experience we had, and we consider what we may have learned. Reflecting can be both positive and negative, joyful and discouraging. When we reflect, we consider what we will do the next time when faced with similar circumstances, what was positive from this experience, and what we will do or not do next time we are faced with a similar situation.
We find that when two parties are in conflict and emotions are heightened, responses can be explosive and harmful between parties. Blame is often applied by one party toward the other party. Previous research has pointed out that listening carefully to the other party for at least 10 minutes can significantly affect understanding. Quietly listening to another party can be very hard to do. Quietly listening takes practice but can have a tremendous impact both toward the listener as well as to the person(s) listened to. To listen actively takes a change in mindset. When we listen we concentrate on what the other person is saying without judgment, without refutation, and by withholding advice. Instead, we focus on taking notes, paraphrasing, summarizing, asking open-ended questions, and empathizing with the feelings of the other party.
Relationships and conflicts
Avoiding conflicts can be detrimental to relationships. Slowing down and setting aside time to identify and discuss the issue in conflict in a calm, structured approach, each party identifies what they see as facts, issues, and what they see as the other party’s issues, the emotion around each issue, and what they see as their interests and the other party’s interest. Self-discipline at this point helps with understanding. If each party can be listened to without hurtful questions but rather with inquisitive questioning that is open-ended in nature, understanding can be increased. Each party needs to be listened to and heard by the other party. It is important to genuinely care for the other person. When we are tryly listening, we show compassion and understanding. We don’t blame the other party and we don’t blame ourself. We also give ourself compassion. And we look constantly for areas and points where we agree with each other.
The Six Questions for Reflection
- Reflect on why the conflict happened
Sometimes upon reflection an apology can go a long way to help resolve an issue. Even an apology not about the conflict, but an apology that “I am sorry we are where we are related to this conflict. It should never have come to this.” Could it have been avoided?
2. Reflect on how the conflict should have been handled
Could steps have been taken earlier to de-escalate the situation and not had it develop to the state it is in today? Maybe I took steps that contributed to this situation turning more negative than it should have. Maybe I reacted negatively with anger and retaliation in mind.
3. Reflect on how conflicts should generally be dealt with
When a conflict arises, we are better off if we can come together. I should not have responded with a text or an email. I should have, as a minimum, picked up the phone, had a virtual meeting, or better yet if possible met face to face. We should not have let this problem develop to this stage. In the future we need to communicate sooner and not simply by text message or email.
4. Reflect on how people should generally respond to conflicts in their relationships
When a conflict arises, we need to have a goal to hear each other out. We need to avoid negative judgment and avoid being ready to offer advice. This is hard, especially when I have an opinion and have already judged the situation. Keeping an open mind and listening can go a long way toward de-escalation and working the issue.
5. Reflect on why this kind of response makes sense
Why does this type of response make more sense? What was the alternative? How well did that work out? Can we do better with this type of approach? Can we at least give it a try? Can we focus on “I” statements and not “you” statements? Can we really work hard on listening until each party has had a chance to have their say? That way we can look at the pro’s and con’s of different alternatives.
6. Reflect on what would be most helpful for dealing with future conflicts
Based on what we have learned here and other conflicts we have been in with others, what are some lessons learned that we can apply going forward? Are there other models we might want to explore like:
When you ….
I think …
I feel…
Or
Each of these is another theory and model that may work for you. You can explore each model in greater detail. Researching these goes beyond this blog.
In short here are a few summary thoughts on conflict resolution from The Collaboration Effect
- Be tough on the problem and gentle on the people.
- Acknowledge your emotions and theirs without blame.
- Treat others as they would like to be treated.
- Positions polarize and interests integrate.
- Behind every entrenched position is at least one interest.
- Interests hold the seeds to a solution.
Hopefully, these six simple questions and the other information presented here will help you and others to reduce conflicts.
Check out these links to my publications if you would like to learn more about collaboration, conflict resolution, or enhancing your servant manager skills.