As a mediation and negotiation specialist, many times I have found that the act of forgiveness with an apology go a long way towards conflict resolution and new collaboration. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has said or done something they wished they had not said or done. The importance of this cannot be overstated. The hurt is often deep and has been long-lasting. The apology can be for specific words or acts, or it can be for becoming angry, as an example. Multiple authors and some wisdom from grandmothers is presented here. I will offer both in the commentary that follows.
Why is forgiveness important in a negotiation or to help resolve conflict?
In my experiences and within the literature it has been demonstrated time and time again that forgiveness plays a critical role in helping to resolve conflict. It also helps the parties to work together to restore a healthy relationship going forward. From The Servant Manager with tip 45 on Forgiving Others “ is not about the other person. It is about you. If you don’t forgive, the only person being hurt is you. It is your choice. It is about moving on from whatever it is that you dislike, hate, distrust, have enmity for, disgusts you or that you loath.” Think about how much energy you waste when you hate someone. Think about the physical and mental toil. If you can forgive you can move on. This allows you to focus on the issues that you need to focus on with the other party.
When you think of your issue and forgiveness think about Mary Johnson whose only son was shot and killed at age 16 by Oshea Israel also age 16. Mary hated Oshea and it took her years before she and Oshea met in prison. She developed a relationship with him and forgave him. When he left prison she helped him find housing in her apartment building, find a job, and helped him back into society. If she could forgive Oshea what is that is causing you pain? Is it more than what Mary Johnson had to overcome to move on? Check out the full story in The Servant Manager under Forgiving Others.
How to apologize
Taking information from The Servant Manager and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch the following is an abridged version of three steps for an apology.
- What I did was wrong – I am sorry
- I feel badly that I hurt you – I won’t do it again
- How do I make this better – What can I do to make this right
All three steps are needed, but the third can be especially hard. If you are truly sorry all three steps are needed. From my mother’s and grandmother’s wisdom we were taught this at an early age. We have some fun family stories in application. The first time is the hardest, but if you practice this with time it does become easier.
Next step after forgiveness – build trust
Once you have apologized and the other party has accepted your apology, trust still has to be addressed. Once trust has been broken it is hard to regain trust. Trust is built upon relationships. What can you do to try and build or rebuild a relationship? Consider meeting face to face. What can you focus on in terms joint expectations? Do you have shared needs? Communication is key. What steps can you take to enhance communication going forward?
What do you have in common to help build a relationship? Small talk regarding hobbies, children, pets, travel, education, location or other areas of commonality may help each other see the other party in a better light. Trust is built with having a good working relationship and listening effectively. When rebuilding trust make sure to listen actively.
Trust with SOAR
You want be straightforward, open, accepting, and responsible (SOAR). Being straightforward means operating with honesty and integrity. Be open by being transparent. Share what you can and what can be helpful to the other party. Be accepting. Don’t be judgmental. Don’t blame the other party or yourself. Instead focused on the overall goal. Be responsible by standing by your word and doing what you say you are going to do.
If possible, under promise and over deliver. Give yourself room in case something unexpected comes along. If a plumber tells you a job will take a day and it takes half a day you are happy. If the job takes a day you are satisfied. It the job takes two days you are not happy. If somewhere during the first day the plumber discovers something unexpected and tells you right away about the problem and that the cost just went up and it will take two days, you don’t like the news, but you can accept the situation. The point of this scenario was to keep the customer in the loop, communicate when necessary, and explain the situation timely.
Listen actively
Be authentic and share what you can legally, morally, and ethically. Part of having open communication goes beyond saying what you want to say, and instead making sure you are listening to the other person. You want to be credible to the other party. Part of being credible is making sure you are listening to the other party. Consider using the acronym PASSED which stands for
Paraphrase
Ask opened questions
Summarize
Suspend judgment
Empathize
Do not offer advice
Paraphrase means to say in your own words what you believe the other person stated. Your rewording demonstrates that you understand what was stated.
Open ended questions are not yes or no or simple questions. Instead they require the other party to have to express themselves in sentences. For example instead of “how are you feeling today” being answered with “fine”, you could ask, “tell me what you are thinking about” or “what worries or concerns do you have?”
Summarize by picking up main points from the other party of what you thought they were.
Suspending judgment is hard. We all have bias. This requires you to keep an open mind and accept the other party for who they are.
Empathy involves you putting yourself in their shoes. How are they feeling? Can you relate?
When listening do not offer advice. This too is hard. However, if you stay focused on listening actively for 10 minutes and continue to ask questions the other person is more likely to listen to you.
All of this takes practice.
Summary
To forgive someone else takes reflection on your part. Sometimes it takes a long time. When you are ready, forgiving, apologizing, rebuilding trust, and listening actively can go a long way towards mending a poor relationship. Hopefully the commentary presented here can help you or you can share this with someone else to help them. I welcome your thoughts. What do you think?
Check out these links if you would like to learn more about collaboration, conflict resolution, or enhancing your servant manager skills.