Listening is the most essential skill to build collaboration

With more than 40 years’ experience as conflict resolution specialist, mediator, and business-to-business and business-to-government consultant, I’ve been propelled to executive status and management of more than 1,200 employees. This has involved a process of lifelong learning, and now in this blog I want to share part of what I am currently learning with you. 

One definition of leadership is influencing others to accomplish a mission voluntarily and not through manipulation or coercion. Another definition, from Dr. Jermaine Davis, defines leadership as “the ability to motivate, inspire, and influence team members to accomplish agreed-upon goals[i]”. 

A great way to lead is to be continuously listening. We can lead by listening to others, understanding them, and by taking into account their concerns we build trust. By building trust we promote collaboration and enhance the quality of relationships. Relationship building involves creating a connecting, authentic relationship, and this we do by listening to others. 

The following commentary addresses the topic of listening, its importance, techniques of listening, and three types of listening that have helped me and I hope will help you.. 

The importance of listening

Everyone from the board's chairperson to the person emptying the trash wants to be respected and listened to. Lyman Steil and Richard Bommelje’s book, Listening Leaders: The Ten Golden Rules to Listen, Lead and Succeed, and Dr. Steil’s accompanying book, Effective Listening Every Day, 365 Daily Readings to Build Your Listening Practice and Enrich Your Life, demonstrate the power of listening. Outstanding leaders are outstanding listeners. Dr. Steil’s second book I read every day to start my day at work. It does not matter if listening is with individuals, teams, organizations, or societies; all of us thrive when we listen to each other. Conversely, when we don’t listen, the result can be very harmful and dysfunctional.

If you want to succeed as a leader, you must learn to listen and serve others. In turn, you will succeed. As you listen, you will empower others to learn from your example and will help them succeed, too. Effective listening and effective leadership are inseparable. 

Becoming a listening leader

Drs. Steil and Bommelje provide 10 golden rules for listening effectively. These ten golden rules revolve around three stages of preparation, principles, and practices that will help us take meaningful action. 

The first stage is preparation. It starts by building a solid foundation, which they refer to as executing ASK (Attitudes, Skills, and Knowledge), and developing impactful habits to become a better listener. 

The second stage relates to principles. This stage incorporates us taking primary responsibility for listening, finding, and aligning our listening purpose, which is discussed below, and applying the SIER model (Sensing, Interpreting, Evaluating, and Responding) which are elements present when we are truly listening.

The third stage relates to practices we should take to enhance listening. These are to identify and control distractions, identify and use structure, and identify and control our emotions. 

These three stages of preparation, principles, and practices lead us to taking meaningful action. 

How do we listen?

Have you thought about why you are listening when you listen to someone else? You may simply be listening to build or strengthen a relationship with the other person and just letting them talk. By not talking and by paying close attention to the speaker and by responding thoughtfully, the speaker may be more impressed with you. Your goal is to connect with the speaker, with your eyes focused on them, and with you acknowledging what is being said with a head nod, with not looking at our phone or watch or looking beyond or past the speaker, and by asking only questions that dig deeper into what is being said. By giving 100 percent of our attention to the speaker, we are demonstrating to the speaker that we understand and care about what they are saying. We also acknowledge that their emotions about what they are saying are vital, and are actually more important than what they are saying. This is what we mean when we say we are being empathetic. 

Types of listening

At work, when we listen, we in general listen for four reasons. We are listening for (1) new information, (2) agreement, (3) for understanding, or (4) reinforcement. When we listen for new information, our brain may relax and not concentrate, but merely take it in. If information presented is familiar, our brain may simply acknowledges what is being said and may tune it out. If there is no relationship, or a lack of trust, and there is no need for a deeper connection, this may be an opportunity lost. 

When we are listing for an agreement, our connection may be much deeper. There may be a search for similar underlying values to see if there are shared beliefs. If both parties are on the same page, this can result in reinforcement. If both parties are not on the same page, negative thoughts may appear, and the brain will prepare to refute the commentary presented. This may result in less listening and more preparing for battle or a debate. This approach results in defensive mechanisms and the need to stand up against elements found to be unacceptable. When this happens, we are less open-minded, we are more oriented toward batting down what we don’t agree with, more obsessed with being right, and less interested in understanding or growth. This type of listening can stagnate innovation, development, and learning.. When confronted with such adverse thoughts, we can check out our bodily reactions. Why do we feel this way? Note how we are feeling and why. With that, we may be able to shift our thoughts and instead move to the next stage of listening for understanding.

Listening for understanding is the key to practical interpersonal skills. This approach allows for shifting from a self-centered focus to an other-person focus. What experiences have led the other person to this perspective? Why do they feel this way? What has brought them to this conclusion? Whether concepts are familiar and agreement is found with the speaker or if the result is disagreement, our focus shifts to understanding the “why”. Facts presented as facts may even be contrary to actual facts as we understand them. OUR misreading of facts may become is the other person’s perception. And so, perhaps our understanding of the facts is off-kilter. By having this humble perspective, we may be able to shift out of disagreement to a new awareness of perspectives and new experiences that may promote trust. A shift of perspective is essential in leading work environments. By leaders becoming empathetic to other persons, asking open-ended questions, and focusing on the why, it may become possible to develop better understanding and relationships. When trust is enhanced, parties feel safer, resulting in a shared experience that promotes collaboration. 

The above comments just skim the surface of my thinking about listening and leadership. If you would like to learn more about my publications on collaboration,  conflict resolution, or servant manager skills which focus on leading by serving and understanding the needs of team members, feel free to check these links or to reach out directly.