As a mediation and negotiation specialist I want to focus on alternatives to help people who are in conflict or negotiation. It is hard for parties to consider alternatives, determine impacts, and evaluate alternatives when our reactions are negative, under stress, and when negotiations are difficult.
Taking a step back, taking some deep breaths, and focusing on the problem instead of getting carried away emotionally may allow for a better outcome. If we see ourselves overreacting, is it possible to bring someone else into the room that can keep us from overreacting? An agreement that is not implemented is no agreement at all. If all concerns raised by either party are not addressed as part of the evaluation of alternatives, the agreement will fall apart.
Solving conflicts and negotiations as a team is often the best approach. In this connection I appreciate Dr. David Webb’s book, Homerun Leadership: Your Guide to Better, Faster Team Decisions. I call him the IROD man because he emphasizes Information, Reactions, Options, and Decisions for problem solving.
Let’s explore team decisions in more detail.
Who are the right people that need to be there?
Often the right people include the decision-maker, the technical people who understand the issues, legal advisors, and the parties that are going to implement the agreement. Is there someone on your team who can keep an open mind and ask questions to increase the likelihood that other considerations that should be addressed are addressed? Sometimes the exuberance of reaching a deal or focusing on the immediate deal without considering broader implications may result in a less-than-optimal decision. Were all considerations addressed? Did everyone feel that it was acceptable to bring up concerns?
Assisting with negotiations and having a background as a mediator, my role many times is to be the open-minded person. It is important that that person is not afraid to ask dumb questions. To think outside of the box beyond the clear issues identified by both parties. It is important to not only be a problem-solver, but a solution-provider. The problem-solver focuses on the immediate problem at hand. The solution-provider looks more broadly and may help the parties see alternative solutions to issues not even identified by the parties initially. What skills are needed to bring out these alternatives?
Be an empathetic and persuasive listener
When the problem is brought to you, listen actively. As a new manager I thought I had to have all of the answers. I took pride in being able to answer questions. My employees came to me with questions and as the former lead technician I knew many of the answers. However, a year later I took over another group and one day I discovered that something was not quite right, so I asked one of the employees if she knew what was going on. She paused, her face turned red, she looked down and said, “There are times when we come in your office, all we want you to do is listen.” I appreciated her frankness. I brought this up at the next group meeting. I think the group felt sorry for me, but they agreed to help me. If someone came into my office and used a code word of “blue” that meant they wanted not an answer from me, but wanted me to listen actively and not provide a solution.
When someone came to my office and knocked on my open door and used the word “blue” I went into action. I pushed away from my desk and slid over to a small table with my roller chair and picked up a pen and pad of paper off my desk. The other party sat down on a chair at my small round table. I listened actively by taking notes. I summarized what I had heard. Asking open-ended questions allowed me to dig deeper. I paraphrased. Empathizing with my team members helped them feel better about their situation. It was hard work sometimes, but trying to suspend my own judgment and not offering advice when listening actively really helped them. Sometimes I was asked my advice, but I learned before I offered my advice that many times I needed to ask more questions. Nearly all the time employees figured out the answer to their question on their own. They felt good about that.
As a manager, employees came to see me less. They knew I would ask these types of questions and listen, so they thought about what I would ask and answered those questions for themselves. That gave me more time to focus on other elements of my job and expand my leadership skills. Employees knew if they came to see me and asked me to listen, they learned to anticipate what I would ask. And so they began to do more of this self-questioning on their own. To me this was an aha moment.
Feeling good about becoming a better listener, I told my wife about what I had learned. My wife looked at me and said, “You can do more of that home too.” That lesson on being an empathetic and yet persuasive listener propelled me from a front-line manager to executive level. This was a true aha moment.
Applying listening actively to a conflict
When you listen to your own team and you listen to other teams you can begin to see possibilities. Remaining curious, applying your creativity, and considering how you can collaborate with others can make a profound difference. It is possible to overcome the destructive elements of fear and anger where everyone loses negative thoughts and looks at the situation as an opportunity. It takes self-control, emotional intelligence, calming the fire inside, and self-awareness to make this happen. It is not easy to work in an emotionally charged conflict. You must ask yourself what is it that you truly want? Do you want to work toward a solution that can really work and be implemented, or do you want to win with vengeance and for the other party to suffer? If you find the other party is of that mindset with a major power imbalance, you need to think about this very clearly ahead of time so that you can prepare and think about what you truly want. How can you make the other party a hero? Consider where they are coming from, what do they want out of this, and what are three reasons why what you are recommending is in their best interest? When you make your case with the options you have prepared, you will be helped considerably as you discuss alternatives.
Check out these links to my publications if you would like to learn more about collaboration, conflict resolution, or enhancing your servant manager skills.