As a conflict resolution specialist and mediator, I want to share with you that we all can be peacemakers in our homes, workplaces, schools, or other environments. If you want to be good at it, peacemaking takes training, persistence, dedication, and practice. However, you can initiate the process or enhance your skills with these ten initial steps.
1. Be impartial
Your role is to be impartial and facilitate communication with understanding. The mediation is not about you. It is their mediation. You are there to facilitate the interaction between the parties. Suppose they reach an agreement; that would be excellent. If they don’t, the responsibility is not yours but theirs. Hopefully, you can de-escalate a tense situation by being a peacemaker, by listening, by empathizing, and by genuinely caring about the parties involved.
2. Avoid judgment
We all have biases based on our experiences. OUR experiences are not THEIR experiences. To be impartial, a mediator must remain non-judgmental. If you begin to feel that you agree or disagree with one party or the other, it is essential to acknowledge these feelings. Then use self-distancing with your own name to consciously ask yourself to remain impartial. For example, “Mike, we need to remain impartial by staying neutral relative to the parties”. Do not favor either party. Even if one of the parties is irritating you and you want to cut them off, a mediator must ensure parties have equal time to speak and to be heard.
3. Listen actively
Listening actively is hard work, but it is a critical skill for a peacemaker. Pay 100% attention to the speaker. Ask open-ended rather than yes/no questions to allow the speaker to explain themselves fully. Check for understanding by summarizing and paraphrasing what you thought you have heard in your own words. If you don’t have it right, they will let you know. Pay attention to the words, the tone of their commentary, their body language, and their facial expressions.
4. Empathize sincerely
As part of listening, empathize with your whole heart. Put yourself in their shoes. State as accurately as you can what you believe they are feeling. For example, consider words such as frustrated, apprehensive, worried, perplexed, torn, flustered, exhausted, anxious, distressed, distraught, angry, hurt, troubled, resentful, etc. Express in your own words what you think they are feeling to demonstrate your ability to understand where they are coming from. Once again, they will correct you if you are not capturing their feelings.
5. Drop assumptions
We all know only what we know, and what we know can often predispose us to prejudge a particular situation. Perhaps you know quite a bit about one or more of the participants, and this knowledge may influence your thoughts. Keep in mind that your assumptions and biases may be incorrect. There are many things you do not know. Look at each situation as a learning opportunity, not as a teaching opportunity. Be cautious, as your biases going in can influence the process and the outcome. Remain curious and open to learning and understanding.
6. Acknowledge kindness
When one of the parties offers a form of kindness, such as a compliment or a positive suggestion to help the situation, be sure to acknowledge this action. Think of kindnesses shown as an opportunity to catch someone doing something right. Perhaps one party is willing to concede a point or recognize the validity of the other party. Acknowledge their action by thanking them or, at a minimum, pointing out that this is a concession by the other party.
7. Be patient
You have heard the expression that patience is a virtue. Patience is a golden virtue in mediation. Remember, it is THEIR mediation, not yours. Silence can be your ally. Let each of the parties move forward at a pace appropriate for them and do not push them along. Give them time to reflect and consider what their next step might be. Be sure to give each participant adequate time to express their concerns. Ask them, “Is there anything else you want to bring up before we move on?” Often, this sideways gesture opens a window or even a new hallway and encourages the parties to bring up additional grievances until they have aired all of their concerns.
8. Consider professional help
You are the mediator and you must remain impartial. You are like the referee on the field but sometimes one or more of the parties needs professional help of a different sort and needs to go to the locker room. Sometimes, another expert can help one of the parties with their issue(s), such as getting legal advice, financial advice or assistance, personal therapy, property appraisal, bookkeeping or accounting assistance, data analysis, or some other kind of expertise that is not in your wheelhouse. Professional help may even come from one of their friends, or a family member, or a colleague at work—someone they trust or someone they feel has the expertise, training, or personal concern for them that they need.
9. Watch your words
What you say and how you say it can significantly impact the peacemaking process and the parties' perception of your understanding, impartiality, and concern. Avoid using the term “you”. Instead, use words like “we” that allow you to couch the situation by being somewhat indefinite or ambiguous. For example, use words like “could be”, “might be”, “maybe” as alternatives to razor-sharp words like “is” or “was” or “will be” to offer the participants a possible way to consider something as a glimpse of a possibility without presenting it as a final fact or your strong recommendation. You are hired to be impartial and your are there to help parties develop a solution that they will own together. The solution is not your property, but theirs.
10. Remain professional
Throughout the process, you will want to remain impartial and professional. As such, it is not professional to give up hope on a solution unless one of the parties decides to terminate the mediation. If that happens, you can check with them to ensure they genuinely want to terminate the mediation, rather than being end by being frustrated. At times in a complex process, you may feel that nothing is happening. You may feel the parties are at an impasse. Silence is your friend here, too. Let the parties think about it. Perhaps you should ask an open-ended question. A small act of kindness by one party may break the logjam. Remember, the solution is up to them. Hopefully, you have helped to de-escalate the situation and have provided a safe space for each of the parties to be heard and listened to. Ultimately, you will have an excellent agreement. If not, you may have helped improve the world with your efforts.
In professional settings, parties sometimes need to proceed to arbitration or to litigation, where a judge or jury may have to decide what is just. That is beyond our role as mediators, and we have to step aside and allow arbitrators, judges, and juries to do their work. Sometimes, going to the next level of conflict resolution becomes the best solution for the parties, but only after we have exhausted all possibilities with de-escalation, de-confliction, and negotiation.
If you want to learn more about my publications on collaboration, conflict resolution, or enhancing your servant manager skills, which focus on leading by serving and understanding the needs of your team members, feel free to reach out.
For more information on collaboration, check out The Collaboration Effect.