As a mediator and conflict resolution specialist, I am sometimes involved in helping to de-escalate situations. This can be working with a client in a tense negotiation, or where I am serving as an impartial mediator in a conflict, or when I am facilitating a potentially tense meeting where parties have very divergent views.
The following essay includes suggestions to assist the reader in de-escalation in three broad areas and points to detailed sources to help you further. The first section addresses the freeze, fight, flight, and fawn reactions. The second section addresses how to control anger before it controls you. The third section emphasizes the availability of resources for those suffering from trauma. For additional insights on each, check out the links within the article.
Freeze, fight, flight, and fawn
Dr Terry Wu presents excellent commentary on The Stress Response. The more a person has a sense of control, predictability, and progress, the less stress they tend to feel. By comparison, while the micro-manager loves control, the micro-managed person may hate the situation and feel unremitting stress.
Our brain appreciates predictability and continually tries to achieve balance and control. Stress upsets the balance. When balance is not possible, stress increases. We may then break complex tasks up into bites and celebrate success in overcoming smaller tasks. Having identified The Stress Response, what does this have to do with freeze, fight, flight?
Freezing, fighting, fleeing, or fawning is a well-known stress response that occurs when we feel we are not in control.
These options are activated when survival is threatened. Unfortunately, the brain cannot differentiate between a tiger chasing you and stress at work or with family.
Freeze, fight, and flight are the most common reactions to fear. For that, growing up in abusive situations is a reaction to being agreeable with the person abusing you. This can be a result of PTSD or guilt. The body reacts physically in these situations. You can be triggered. So what can you do?
Focus on your environment. Use self-distancing by using your name and reminding yourself that you are safe. Say something to yourself like, “Mike, you are OK. It is going to be all right.” Visualize overcoming your fear. Breathe and focus on reducing your speed and being steady.
Here is a background resource for freeze, fight, flight, and fawn from WebMD:
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-does-fight-flight-freeze-fawn-mean
How to control anger before it controls you
What is anger? According to the American Psychological Association, anger is “an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage.” According to Charles Spielberger, PhD, anger occurs when we are ready for a fight. It is aggressive in nature against threats and prepares us to protect ourselves.
It is possible to redirect and suppress anger.
We can stop thinking about it and focus on something else. For example, we can realize that being angry with our boss could inflict pain, so we need to control our anger. If we become angry at our boss, this could cost us our job, a promotion, better assignments, or a bonus. Our prefrontal cortex may kick in to keep us from becoming angry.
Anger management focuses on reducing emotional and psychological triggers that cause anger. The best approach is to find out what triggers our anger and take action to prevent those triggers from sending us over the top.
Simple strategies like breathing deeply using our diaphragm and repeating phrases like “stay calm,” “stay focused,” or “take it easy” may help. Mindfulness, prayer, reflection, and yoga can also help.
Angry people jump in, often with the wrong conclusions when things are heated. When we feel triggered, we can note the feeling and slow down.
We can take a deep breath. We can consider what we are going to say before we say it. Be careful to consider the words.
Pause to reflect on the appropriate tone. What does our body language and facial expressions demonstrate? Consider each as we begin our response. We want to be calm, confident, and competent. Demonstrate compassion and a desire to help. This is hard, and it takes practice.
Focus on how we will address the problem. A poem by Rudyard Kipling entitled “If” states in part:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, …
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
This poem has helped me focus when times have become tough. Maybe it can help you too.
Consider humor to help defuse some situations. Playing the role of a person who does not get it and offering a perspective from a different angle can sometimes help defuse a tense situation. We can use our imagination. Sometimes, keeping what we are upset about in perspective can help bring everyone back to reality. One of my coworkers sometimes brought up the word “ouch” or said, “Nobody is going to die.” This sometimes brought us back to reality. Think about what phrase might help others refocus and not be upset. Don’t hit a hot button.
Consider a break. Consider a different environment. Perhaps discussing this on a walk, in a more neutral location, or at a better time may help.
Think ahead of time whenever possible: What can we do to help diffuse the situation?
Avoid the two stinky twins of BO and BS. That is Blaming Others or Blaming Self. Don’t blame anyone. Be easy on yourself. After all, we are all human, and as such, we are emotional beings. Take steps to reduce our stress.
How do we control anger before it controls us? Check out this link from the American Psychological Association: https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
For those suffering from trauma
Notwithstanding all the ways we can try to de-escalate, there are times when situations trigger memories of real-world trauma. That brings us to a completely different issue.
Those suffering from trauma need to go well beyond this article, but here are some resources that may help. An article from the National Institute of Health may assist those looking for treatments: https://www.nicabm.com/program/beyond-fff-fb/
Here is another article from the American Psychological Association on “How to cope with traumatic stress.” Finally, be sure to explore professional help with and on behalf of those suffering from trauma.
Conclusion
Three broad ideas were presented here to help you when you are starting to become angry or are working with others who are starting to become angry. Understanding the freeze, fight, flight, and fawn response can help you with perspective. Working on your reactions to anger and being proactive can make a huge difference. Realizing that trauma brings in a far more serious analysis and that professional help may be required is something to keep in mind. My experiences are not your experiences. Understanding and accepting this can help us humanize others with what they are going through.
Although anger cannot be eliminated, you can change how it impacts you. Controlling your anger can help you have a healthy, happier life.
Further Reading
Check out these links if you would like to learn more about collaboration, conflict resolution, or enhancing your Servant Manager skills.