This is the first part of a two-part series, with part one available on July 22, 2024, and part two on July 29, 2024.
As a mediation and negotiation specialist, I am always working on skills to identify key points in a neutral way so as to promote understanding.
The following commentary provides suggestions for questions you can ask that may help you in your relationships. Besides tips on what to do, tips are offered on what not to do.
What types of questions, how to ask them, and what topics are best will help sharpen your questions in the future.
Open-ended Questions vs. Closed-end Questions
If you want to get someone to open up in a conversation, after they tell you they are from Idaho or Mongolia, you can ask “what was it like growing up in Idaho/Mongolia?” as opposed to “what town in Idaho/what city in Mongolia was home to you?” If someone says their hobby is scuba diving, we say “I always admire Jacques Cousteau films and wondered what it would be like to dive off the coast of Australia” as opposed to “what kind of scuba diving gear do you have?” These illustrate the difference between open-ended and closed-end questions, the latter which can be answered briefly in one-word or two-word answers and do not lead to further conversation.
Open-ended questions encourage the other person to share more and lead to a deeper insights as to their interests and perspectives.
When meeting with someone new for the first time, Benjamin Franklin often asked if he could borrow a book. Why did he do so? He borrowed their book so that he could review the background and have lots of things to discuss when they met again.
In that same vein, what is something you can discern in a new person that you can borrow from them or even a small favor you could ask so that later you would have reason to send a reference like a thank-you note to that person?
Keep that in mind as you initiate questions with a new person. And keep track carefully of their response. Note whether they want to continue or if they have completed their interest with you. You can ponder how you incorporate their responses to open-ended questions in your future communications so as to foster understanding and build an authentic relationship.
Listening, curiosity, humility, and learning
Listening actively to a new person so as to develop a connecting, authentic relationship goes a long way toward asking better questions. As the other person is speaking, think about what else you may want to ask them instead of how you want to respond. Think about how you can paraphrase what you are hearing in your own words that will show you are listening. Listen with compassion. Focus on how they are feeling in their situation, not yours. Feeling the other person’s perspective doesn’t come naturally to many people and for some of us it takes practice. Learn from Albert Einstein. He walked around the Princeton campus and could be heard muttering to himself, “What else should I be asking?” When asked once if this was about relativity, he said something like, “No, this has to do with relationships and people.” We can learn from Albert Einstein. What else can we be asking when we interact with others?
If we embrace curiosity and humility, our communication skills will be enhanced. If we admit the vast amount of knowledge we have yet to discover and how asking questions can help us uncover more we will keep learning.
Consider that every person is like a gold mine and most of the gold is far under the surface. Curiosity about the gold that lies in the depths of their background can lead to deeper, more meaningful conversations. Approach every conversation humbly, refraining from boasting or positioning yourself as an expert. Instead, view each conversation as an opportunity to learn and be inquisitive. A humble approach can create a safer opportunity communication where both parties feel respected and valued. So, how do we embrace curiosity and humility in our conversations?
What information do you need?
Dr. David Webb’s book on Homerun Leadership suggests the first step is to determine what information I have, what other information I would like to have, and what is the need to initiate the questioning. His IROD model (Information, Reaction, Options, Decisions) was powerful enough for the U.S. State Department to send him to a major foreign country to help their staff learn to use his model.
What do we need to know more about? Where can that information be? From whom? From where? Does it even exist?
What else should we be asking regarding information?
For a business valuer interviewing a client to perform a business valuation, a general set of questions is prepared ahead of time, but at the same time, given answers to those questions may cause the interviewer to go beyond the standard questions.
The follow-up questions may take a different direction based on what was provided and how it was provided.
Having questions prepared upfront can go a long way toward ensuring all of your questions are asked and allow you to go in another direction since you can return to your original questionnaire.
Initially, it’s all about quantity
Consider small talk to initiate a conversation. Consider geography, education, marital status, vacations, morning or afternoon person, drink coffee or tea, pets, foods or drinks that are preferred, profession, children, grandchildren, exercise, hobbies, current reading, and other ideas.
If someone has been listened to for at least 10 minutes, they are far more apt to listen to you.
Take the time to continue to ask questions even if they try to direct a question back to you. For example, “Before I answer that I am curious about….”. You want to learn all you can about the other party. Typically, others like to have themselves heard. However, there are things to avoid.
What to avoid
Here are the first two points of what to avoid. Tune in next week to learn more points on what to avoid.
When actively listening, be aware of your biases and how they may impact your questions. You may be triggered to go in a negative direction or feel angry based on what you hear. Realize this and focus on why you are there and what you can do to focus on the situation. Realize that we all have an element of stubbornness. That may be raising its ugly head and preventing you from focusing on asking further probing questions.
Some topics may be sensitive in nature. In general, stay away from these.
There is no reason to bring up sensitive topics that may kill what you are trying to accomplish. For example, do not bring the Presidential Election. With a very divided county, this could be a trigger. If a sensitive question has to be asked, help prepare the receiver ahead of time. For example, “You may not want my asking about this, but I feel it must be asked”, or “I have something I feel I need to share that you likely don’t want to hear.” In this way, you are giving the receiver a heads-up that something may be coming that the receiver does not want to hear but needs to hear or have asked. Tune in next week for Part 2.
Check out these links if you would like to learn more about collaboration, conflict resolution, or enhancing your Servant Manager skills.