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As a mediator and negotiation specialist who has written multiple blogs on what to do when addressing conflict resolution, negotiation, and collaboration, this article approaches conflict from the opposite direction. It focuses on what not to do in a negotiation or conflict.
Our brain is out to protect us. We are conditioned to fight, flight, freeze or fawn (if you were abused this may be your response). I think that fighting back, fleeing the fight, and freezing is pretty self-explanatory. If a tiger is chasing you, running or freezing may be your only option. However, your brain cannot differentiate an attack from a tiger and a verbal assault. So, instead of the stress response, you can learn to take a deep breath and stay calm, confident, and competent. You can learn to be compassionate and be available to listen and help.
The following ten things not to do in a conflict are not all-inclusive nor are they arranged in a priority order of importance. Every situation is different. These ten ideas may help you realize that taking these steps will not help you resolve a problem.
- Avoid the conflict
Sometimes, avoiding conflict may be the right call if something is minor. Letting children figure it out may be a good option. On the other hand, expecting a change in a bad situation will not cause change. Einstein has a famous quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” You may need help. Consider reaching out. But hoping a conflict goes away without addressing it is often simply wishful thinking. Come back when you can be calm and approach the other person at a time and place that works for both of you.
- React with anger and attack character
When angry, emotional outbursts and unclear thinking go hand in hand. Emotional intelligence is being angry when the other person can not discern it. It is hard to control anger. If you lose self-control, you are likely to say and do things you may later regret. Blaming someone or attacking their character is not helpful. It helps if you find common values. When someone is attacking your character, take the high ground. Don’t go there. It never helps to attack someone else’s character.
- See the world as two-sided
Look at a coin. How many sides does it have? It has three sides: heads, tails, and an edge. There is my side, their side, and the truth in an argument. The key is asking open-ended questions, paraphrasing, summarizing, and empathizing with the other party. This can be hard. When both sides entrench their position, both sides may become stubborn and agree to disagree. Both parties think they are right. Please don’t demand that they see things your way. There is not always a clear right and wrong.
- Stonewall
Sometimes one or more persons simply stop talking and interacting. This is stonewalling. This shows disrespect to the other party. When parties are no longer talking to each other, typically the issues that gave rise to the conflict fester and get worse. Feelings become entrenched. It is much better to listen to the other party and work with them. See what you have in terms of common values.
- Fail to listen
When the other person is talking and you disagree, your brain works overtime on how to refute their comments. You want to tell the other person why you are right and they are wrong. You fail to listen. Your judgement is clouded. You are unwilling to consider their views. This shuts down conversation and dialogue and tends to entrench each party.
- Rely on your experiences
We are all shaped by our experiences. My experiences are not your experiences. Relying on our experiences tend to harden our biases and stereotypes both good and bad. Realizing that we all have biases and that many elements in our society play to these biases, it is important to recognize our biases and the role they play in our decision-making. Broadening your horizons with other experiences can help you see some things from a different perspective.
- Blame others or self
The two stinky twins of BO and BS -- blaming others and blaming self -- negatively impact interactions. Blaming others does not help address issues. Blaming yourself with what you could have, should have, or would have done is not helpful either. Instead, focus on the problem and work with the other party to address the problem.
- React to sarcasm with sarcasm
It is hard to take the high road when someone else takes the low road and goes below the line with sarcasm. If someone else says something sarcastic, or rolls their eyes in a sarcastic manner, it is very easy to take this negatively and react with tit for tat and be sarcastic back. All this does is escalate the situation and make the situation worse. Use your emotional intelligence to quell the anger so that the other person does not have a clue that you are angry.
- Be defensive
Defensive people deny that anything is wrong, or if it is wrong it has nothing to do with them. They deny having contributed to the problem. Denying responsibility may seem to work in the short run, but this only creates bigger problems. When the parties do not feel listened to, this tends to harden positions. Both parties tend to entrench. Anger tends to increase. It is much better to accept having done something wrong, apologize, and figure out where we go from there.
- Overly generalize
Words like “always” and “never” tend to exaggerate and negatively impact a conflict. Typically, these generalizations may be how someone feels but do not represent the facts. Some behavior or event may have happened several times, but “always” and “never” are words that should be avoided. These words will stand in the way of having an honest, open discussion. Instead, focus on the specific facts that are known and can be accepted by both parties. This may help focus on the real issues.
These ten things not to do to resolve a conflict are not comprehensive or all-inclusive, but hopefully help you think about what not to do when you are in a conflict. Here are some other resources that make use of some of these 10 ideas and offer more. Six Things Not to Do if You Want to Resolve a Conflict by Kiplinger. Ten Conflict Resolution Mistakes to Avoid by Talent Tools. Ten Things to Avoid When Resolving Conflict by Careers in Government.
Check out these links to my publications if you would like to learn more about collaboration, conflict resolution, or enhancing your servant manager skills.