Why is conflict good for us?

Why is conflict good for us?

As a mediation and negotiation specialist I have seen time and time again where conflict is a good thing, even when it may appear not to be the case. Conflict can be an opportunity for all parties to come together, to collaborate with different ideas, and to work toward a better outcome. A healthy disagreement can have very positive outcomes when managed appropriately. However, when we feel threatened, angry, or anxious, conflict may be perceived as negative. The key is to know how to handle conflict.

Why should we care?

Conflict is an opportunity for us to learn and grow even if it feels uncomfortable. 

In the ancient Chinese philosophy, opportunities often arise from crisis. Remember that the Chinese (Mandarin) word for “crisis” is two words: Wei Ji 危机 . The word “Wei” means “danger” while “Ji” means “opportunity”. 

Chinese wisdom understands that within every crisis (conflict) there is danger, but also opportunity. Wisdom has two edges: on one edge is a feather, and on the other edge is a sword. Fire is used to cook, but it can also burn down a house. Water is needed for life, but too much water can drown us if we are floating on a raft in the middle of the Atlantic.

Conflict offers us an opportunity to improve a relationship with another party. 

Many times, after a strong disagreement with another party, it is possible to have even more respect for the other person and the other person to have more respect for us, because both parties see merit in the other person’s perspective. 

If this outcome happens at work, we can feel much greater job satisfaction and loyalty to our employer as we benefit from a more inclusive and peaceful environment and can better focus on the tasks at hand.

A little neuroscience

Our reptilian brains tend to be continually assessing the horizon for threats and for advantages. Our reptilian brain is reductive, and has a bias toward simple-minded yes-no, I am right/you are wrong scenarios because these scenarios are survival oriented and require less mental processing within the neocortex. 

Our brains are designed by evolution to save energy for and to focus on self-preservation rather than communal satisfaction. We first defend ourselves with anger, resentment, and unless we reflect, we can become downright hostile toward others. We develop a win-lose perspective quickly to ensure our position is sustained. When this happens, we build barriers toward communication, understanding, and sacrifice any willingness to listen. 

After all, we can believe we are right, and the other party is wrong. It is that simple. Or is it?

Emotional intelligence is defined by mental health experts as the ability to manage both our own emotions and to understand the emotions of people around us. 

There are five key elements to Emotional Intelligence: 

• self-awareness
• self-regulation
• motivation
• empathy
• social skills 

A far simpler definition of emotional intelligence is this: ”I can be angry and the other person does not realize I am angry". 

This simple definition does not incorporate all five of the elements in the five-part definition, but I think it helps bring the point home to the crucial issue of (1) whether we are owned by our emotions versus (2) whether we own our emotions. 

In conflict situations that may be opportunities and not simply danger, we need to slow down our reactions to emotions. We should make the effort to listen actively and empathize with the other person. 

And so, what can we do if we have already gotten angry and said something we now regret?

What should we do when we lose our temper?

First, we realize that we lost our temper. Then we need to calm down. And after we have calmed down we need to think about how we are going to apologize for having screwed up and having lost our temper. Perhaps we can discuss the event with a peer or mentor on what occurred and what might be the best way to proceed. With an understanding boss, we might be able to reach out and consider ideas from the boss. We are all human and sometimes we do or say something that later we realize we should not have said or have done what we did.

Next, we can learn from the experience. In the future, we can avoid being provoked into an emotional response. 

Here are three ideas for consideration:

1. Focus on the problem and be gentle on the people. This is easily said. It takes a strong person to not become angry. 
2. Use self-distancing with our own name and say to ourself, “[my name], stay focused and do not let anger win”. 
3. Look for ways to create value and use time to our advantage. 

On that last point regarding time consider short term gains or losses compared to longer term implications. How important are longer term implications?

Looking at conflict as something constructive

Our attitude matters. Remaining calm, being there to help, asking open-ended questions, providing clarity, affirming or restoring trust, and building self-awareness results in more successful teams. When we look at conflict as something that should be encouraged, we inspire creativity. 

In times of stress, we can pause to focus on what really is the problem and provide clarity to help reduce tension. Misunderstandings are common. Bringing parties together to discuss the facts, the issues, the emotions around the issues, and the interests  are key steps. Once interests are uncovered this may allow parties to work toward something everyone can live with going forward in a mutually acceptable solution.

Listening actively

Listening actively and addressing issues honestly with open communication may allow parties in conflict to respect and recognize differences. 

Daniel Shapiro with his less-than-five-minute video on How to Argue suggest listening actively for 10 minutes. As hard as this is to do, it has been proven in neuroscience that listening actively for ten minutes will make other parties more receptive to listening to us. To listen actively use paraphrase to say in our own words what the other party said. We can ask open-ended questions, not yes-no questions, but questions that require a longer answer. We can summarize what were the major points and reflect those back. And we can empathize with the other party -- put ourselves in their shoes – how would I feel if I were them? Our brain may want to judge the other party more harshly, and we might have a strong desire to tell them exactly what we think and offer advice. Instead, we can learn to focus on what else we might be able to ask while they are talking. The important thing is to keep the parties talking. When they ask what I think, divert the conversation back by saying something like “before we go there, I want to ask you….”.

Building your authentic connecting relationship

After listening actively, we can focus on communication and dialogue. For instance, what are things we have in common? Think about values (honesty, integrity, commitment, courage, compassion, trust and others), and other areas of mutual interest (education, home, relationships, children, pets, travel, hobbies and others). When teams engage in relationship-building and listen actively to each other, this demonstrates respect for each other. This builds trust. As a result, bonds may strengthen bridges may be built to overcome barriers and thus to accomplish work. It may be possible for us to educate the other party with our thoughts in a way that can be received without making the other party defensive. We need to be self-aware of ourself and how we are coming across, and be sensitive to the other person on how they are receiving what we are offering.

We can consider offering suggestions and ideas in neutral terms. We can use neutral phrases, for example, like “here’s an idea” or phrases that begin with “Imagine…”. “Imagine what it might look like if with both of our ideas we came up with an even better idea”. We can use “I statements” instead of “you statements”. We can consider statements like “I am sorry, I was not clear”, and “Please help me understand better where you are coming from”.

To learn more about these strategies check out these articles by Amy Gallo at Harvard, Birkman, and Linda Adams. 

You can also check out these links to my publications if you would like to learn more about collaboration, conflict resolution, or enhancing your servant manager skills.